Busy

I haven’t been able to post in a while, or at least not with the regularity that I had before.  That’s good and bad.  The bad is that work has been pretty busy, and a lot of the posts that I compose are done at work.  The good part is that there have been plenty of distractions to keep me from dwelling on what is happening in my life.  I was worried that I would succumb to the serious introversion that comes with situations like this (well, historically for me anyway).  Thankfully, the times where I have been overwhelmed with emotion have been few and far in between.

We filed last tuesday, and I am ready for the paperwork to come back.  This situation has been rough and the hope I have now is the hope that I will be on the other side soon.  I no longer wish to remain attached to my wife, and am eager to feel “untethered”.  I don’t mean I am going to go out and cycle through a bunch of women, I’m just talking about the responsibility that comes with marriage.  Because of what I believe I have maintained a standard of behavior that has included taking care of her when she needs help.  She is an independant adult but the fact that we are married meant that she still warranted better treatment than your average girlfriend, lover, fling or whatever.  To be released from that will be a relief, and I won’t have to feel like I need to offer her any more help.  That is someone else’s job now, and good luck to them!

She still has a lot of her stuff in my house.  I don’t think I am going to help her move it.  Not because I don’t want to, but I have a lot of work to do around the house to get ready for roommates.  And one of them is moving in on WEDNESDAY!  So much work to do.  It’s her stuff and her life now, and she has to step up to that responsibility.  This is something she hasn’t really done, she has relied on me for quite a bit during this situation.  Hopefully it doesn’t stress her out too much and the separation continues without incident.

It’s nice to be busy actually.  There are precious few ways where I don’t feel like a failure, and when work is busy I tend to get a lot accomplished.  Feeling like a man and being able to provide for myself is important, especially since my finances are in such a poor state right now (not just my fault).  I have come to terms with the fact that I will be paying this debt down for the next five years, there is nothing that I could do about it now.  I might even be able to pay it off early, barring any unfortunate circumstances.

Life is good right now.  And slowly getting better 🙂

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Friends

I wouldn’t be here without friends.  There are people in my life who came out of the woodwork to help me and show support during my trials, they have lifted me up and shown me that I can be better than I was.  This was an invaluable lesson for me to learn, knowing that I was not stuck as the man that I was and that I instead be the man that I wanted to be.  They have supported me and ridden this rediculous roller coaster right alongside with me seeing the highs and lows of my dramatic life.  What more can you ask for from the people who love you, from the people who will LISTEN, for the people to whom you are more than a pile of mistakes and regrets?  How do you pay these people back?  My only hope is that someday I will be able to do the same thing for them, that I might somehow lift them up when they stumble and fall.  Of course, I hope that they never stumble but that’s not very realistic haha.  To friends new and old who have lent an ear or a shoulder to lean on, thank you.   You have made a terribly tough time bearable and even enjoyable and you have given an otherwise dark time in my life a bit of brightness 🙂

Christmas

This will be my first Christmas since the military where I am alone.  It’s not that bad really, I actually enjoy being alone on the holidays (for the most part).  This year will be a little tougher with what’s gone on but I am meeting some friends Christmas day.  I won’t be alone all day and I will be asleep for most of it, but an hour or two with my friends and then work should help to keep my mind off things. 

To everyone everyone suffering, Merry Christmas.  I hope that you all are able to find some comfort and joy during this season.  God bless you all, better days ahead 🙂

The next man who occupies her heart

How to die like Jesus

12/23/14

I met my wife 31 years ago or rather I first saw her 31 years ago.  It was in a large church singles group and something about that woman appealed to me like no other.  Her personality, her character, her appearance just drew me in like a moth to a light.  We eventually connected and dated and when things got serious, I recall thinking “could it be possible that God would enable this woman to be my wife?”  It was and even though we had our share of struggles, sticking it out has made us both happy and grateful.  We joke about what 30 years of marriage has been like–“it just feels like 5 minutes……..underwater!”  Or on fire.  But I have to say that every passing year reveals more of just how good she is for me.  I couldn’t love anyone more than her and the thought of leaving…

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Courthouse

We filled out the paperwork on Sunday.  I was an asshole the whole time, silent and brooding and non communicative.  I know why I was, but try as i might I couldn’t bring myself to talk much beyond the occasional agreement or nod.  The way I feel is infuriating; I owe her money for the divorce and I can’t stop thinking that it feels like I am paying her for the affairs.  She chose to stray and the divorce was agreed upon.  After taking the larger financial commitment I will still owe her a fair amount of money.  She poured a trust her grandmother gave to her into the last project, and she is legally entitled to that.  We divided the debt down the middle, I wouldn’t feel right doing it any other way.  I make less money than her but I can’t justify not splitting the debt without feeling like less of a man.  In the end, the money I owe her will make her debt free, while I have to take out a five year personal loan to pay her.  I will be dealing with the aftermath of this for the next five years, living with room mates because I cannot afford to live on my own anymore.  Something about that seems unfair, but it is what it is.  I can worry about it, be angry about it, scream and shout about it but it won’t change a thing.  I will owe this money and I will pay this debt.

We met at the notary to get things finished today, and it was a sad experience.  She looked lovely, like she always does, and there was an awkward tension between us.  I had the feeling in my stomach that I knew this was over, that there was nothing that could be said or done that hadn’t already come out.  We went to the courthouse when we were done and filed the paperwork.  She talked to me sparingly, in much the same way that I had to her the past week.  I deserved that.  I left while she was paying because I didn’t feel like she wanted me around anymore.  I didn’t want to make things more awkward on the walk back to our cars.  I don’t know what happened after that, I went home and went to bed.  I woke up later feeling surprisingly well, until the thoughts that usually creep in started their rotation in my head.  Damn being on night shift and damn not having someone to talk to.  Sometimes I wish I knew more people up late who understood some of the things that I was going through, but for now I just write my feelings out in a post and hope that the occasional passerby gets something out of it.  I am going to go see if I can find a gift for her, for our final christmas together.  I don’t have a lot of money and it will be small, but I hate the thought of me missing this holiday with her.  I know it is no longer my right to spend it with her, but this gift can act as a final farewell.  The holidays aren’t as bad as they seem…

Haha!

It’s no secret that I work in close proximity to everyone involved with the affairs.  I have always thought it odd that I didn’t run into the other guys at work…until just now.  I stepped into an elevator and saw the boy she had a relationship with.  We shook hands and chatted, he asked how things were going.  It wasn’t awkward at all, or at least not for me.  I don’t spend time thinking about him and what she did with him, nor do I spend time hating him and wishing him harm.  To me, that is the true gift of forgiveness, when you no longer letting that person affect your emotions.  It wasn’t easy to get to this point, even though I forgave him relatively early on.  There were days where thoughts crept into my head and I didn’t like him very much but they didn’t stay too long.  At this point I kind of hope they start dating so they can take a crack at a real relationship.  Which is weird…

He is a nice guy, and is doing the best he can.  That doesn’t make what he did right and as far as I can tell he knows that.  But he hasn’t been anything but pleasant to talk to and forthcoming with information (even thought there’s no telling if the information is false or not, I seem to be able to extend him that trust).  I wish him the best, regardless of what happens.  God works in weird ways…

Roommates

So I placed an ad for roommates today (if anyone needs a room near portland OR let me know lol).  That’s something I haven’t ever had to do before, I’ve always had an SO to live with (or I lived on my own).  I got a lot of replies and in sifting through them I started to feel a bit overwhelmed by the fact that I will not be in my house alone anymore.  I have always been the type of guy to enjoy my alone time, so how I will deal with this situation is up in the air.  I have one guy coming to live with me that I know and trust.  He was the one who let me live with him for a few weeks while I was going through the rough stuff.  I don’t mind him and he is quiet and kind.  But having a stranger come over and look at the place and possibly live with me is…different.  I absolutely need the money, and whether they stay for a short time or a while is up to them, but I can’t get over the feeling that I will start to be uncomfortable in my own home.  But, without room mates I won’t be able to afford some of the basics for my home, much less finish the projects that need to be finished.   I suppose I can bear some uncomfortable feelings so that things can carry on in my household.  At some point, however , I will probably ask people to move out and move on.   Once a chunk of the debt is paid off and the projects are finished I think I will try to get back to being alone in the house.  I love it when it’s just me and the animals, and I can be as loud as I want or as obnoxious as I want.  A lot of people take those things for granted, and when you have a family it starts to happen less and less often.

My mother-in-law keeps trying to talk to me.  She keeps offering to help me financially and I keep having to say no.  She is aware of what happened and the situation my wife has put me in.  I apologize for the way things ended up as often as I can, and she replies in kind.  I regret not developing a relationship with her before hand, she had a lot of advice and wisdom to offer me during this whole situation.  She remained an objective party and always tried to see the reason behind actions on both sides.  She even managed to send me a christmas gift that should arrive sometime next week.  I will miss her when my wife and I split. I can’t thank her enough for everything she has done for me in the past few months.

Christmas is coming and I am getting invites to stay with friends.  The nature of my job means that I have to work on christmas eve and christmas morning.  I will still get a little time to visit with friends that day, hopefully to chat and have a bite to eat.  I love that the good people in my life came out of the woodwork to help me with the things I am going through.  It seems that I did choose wisely when I made friends up here.

I often wonder what dating will be like after divorce.  Meeting people isn’t the difficult part, I have been told I am funny and charismatic.  Some people don’t seem to mind the way I look, some might even call me handsome.  And I am still young (27) but I will soon have two ex wives.  My marketability as a “husband prospect” is dropping quickly, and I dread having to talk about that subject with dates.  It’s something I wouldn’t bring up unless things got serious with another woman, but those conversations still scare me.  The right woman won’t see any of that, or will have the strength and the tools to work through that, but whose to say it won’t cause problems later on?  All I can do is wait and see how things pan out, and hope that the right woman comes along exactly when I need her to.  In the meantime, I suppose I can just have fun along the way.

I have a lot of work to do around the house before my roommates can move in.  And I have to set up times for potentials to view the room and the property.  Lots of things to do to keep me busy and not thinking about what’s going to happen in the next few weeks.  Sunday will bring some awkward conversations as my wife and I fill out the divorce paperwork.  Things are moving forward one day at a time just like everyone said they would.  And each day is a little more pleasant than the last…

Better days ahead 🙂

Repay

Because the same was offered to me I would like to pay it forward.  If you are going through a situation similar to mine (regarding infidelity) and you need someone to talk to feel free to email me (jlgedeon@gmail.com) or drop a comment on one of my posts.  The few who extended this invitation to me early on were a godsend, and I wouldn’t have handled this very well at all without their kind words and advice.  To all those suffering through events like this, good luck!  There are better days ahead 🙂

Portland, OR

I don’t explore enough.  There are plenty of things to do here and I just don’t get out often enough.  Part of the reason why is that it takes money to go places.  I have to drive, take the trolley or take the bus to get anywhere I want to, and I can’t even afford things like that.  I should be able to free up some cash in the next couple paychecks so I can take a trip up to Washington and bum around in the wilderness for a day or two, but we’ll see.  Portland is more achievable, and I will likely be making more trips down there  before I leave the state again.  Who wants to go with me? (lol)

I need to find another room mate…

Momentum

Time has started to pass more normally for me.  In the earlier months I would spend all day swirling around the small details in my head.  What seemed like hours would in actuality be minutes as I played out all the different scenarios in my head.  It wasn’t a great way to do things but I didn’t know any better at the time.  Now I know better, and I am far more adept at keeping myself busy.  Work helps in giving me things to do.  I wouldn’t feel like much of a man if I wasn’t able to do my job, and the last thing I need is to lose the one thing that lets me support myself.  I have a room mate moving in sometime in January so I won’t be alone in the house any more either.  Things are settling in all aspects of my life, and I am reaching the edge of the storm.  While the waves are still rough they are less so and calmer waters are in sight.  It’s a relief on many different levels, and I couldn’t be happier to see the “light at the end of the tunnel”.  The start of the healing process will come soon, if it hasn’t already.

My wife was sick the other day and we had to put off filing again.  I expected this with how sick she was when I saw her on Saturday.  We have pushed it to this Saturday, although I may push it again.  I would like to meet a friend for some drinks and that may be the only day to do it.  As a back up, I asked my wife the same question she asked me, “What if I don’t want to file?”.  I was curious what her answer would be, although I expected it to be negative.  She said that she thinks we should file, that we should both find ourselves on our own terms.  It stung a little bit, partly because that’s hollywood grade BS and partly because I have already done that.  But the response didn’t tell me anything I wasn’t already aware of so the sting was not long lasting.  I assume that she has a boy set up to date soon or when the paperwork goes through, her MO has been revealed to me in great detail.  It may be a bad assumption but I don’t have any other character to base her actions on and I have a hard time giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Either way it won’t be something I have to deal with for very long.  I am a little worried about the division of debt, no matter how we swing it she will come out on top.  Oregon is a no fault divorce state so infidelity has no bearing on the division of anything.  She is entitled to half the debt, as well as half of the money she has put into the house via mortgage payments, home improvements etc.  This is gonna smack me with a large amount of debt while the money owed to her will completely eliminate hers.  Fairness is not something this situation supports.  I will be saddled with close to 20k in debt, which will probably force me to refinance my home.  My interest rate will rise and my mortgage will go up giving me less money to have on a day to day basis.  Room mates will become a necessity if I want to keep the house.  Selling will be difficult, there is a lot of work that remains unfinished on the house.

I can’t stop these things from happening.  Standing in front of the iceberg will only see me getting crushed under the weight of everything that is happening.  The best thing I can do is walk in the same direction as the things that are happening.  I don’t know what the future holds but there will be brighter days ahead.  God will provide for me and I will get exactly what I need exactly when I need it.

I find myself having less and less to say about this situation.  I wonder if this is because I have already said everything I needed to or if I am just becoming jaded with everything that is going on.  It could be a combination of both, since I have written 30+ posts in the past few weeks.  Posting may slow down as things start to occur more slowly.

I ordered some books on surviving infidelity.  I found them on a fellow bloggers post about things that helped her (http://tryingtomakelemonade.wordpress.com/2014/12/11/whistle-while-you-work/) and I picked them up for a few reasons.  One, if we had ever turned around and decided to work on it I would have some resources to support that and two, I can read them from the perspective of both the cheater and the cheatee.  As I mentioned before, my behavior has mirrored hers in some of my past relationships.  The books arrived on Monday and I fully expected to read a chapter in both of them to get that process started.  Unfortunately it turns out that the wounds are still a little too fresh to allow me to read those books without feeling uncomfortable.  Maybe in the weeks to come things will be different but for now I will have to shelve them and work through things my own way.

Life keeps moving forward.