Tangents

It’s been a while.  And by a while I mean a WHILE.  Time has passed, and we are slipping into Autumn.  The weather (at least in my area) is getting cooler, and flocks of pumpkin latte’s will soon reach the area for grazing.  It’s my favorite time of year, and I will spend it watching the leaves change and hopefully flying back home for my mothers birthday.    I still get notifications from this website, and I still like to read through the new posts.  It makes me happy to see that some of you have found direction amid the chaos and have been successfully working through things.  I can say successful because of my objectivity, I know that it doesn’t feel successful most of the time.  But I see feelings that are addressed, actions that are taken, and words that are said that point towards a future with a healing a thriving relationship.  This makes me happy.  But, with each piece of good news I glean from the pile of shattered relationships, I sift through many more blogs that cry out against the oppressive hopelessness that grips men and women during this struggle.  And while I can look at things from several laps ahead, the knowledge that it gets better doesn’t make it any easier to see or read through.

Things did not start to get better for me until I began to let go.  I held onto a lot of things, and suffered the same pitfalls that most do.  I wanted things to be fair, I wanted things to be easier, I wanted everyone to feel guilty or bad for what they had done.  I wanted things to move forward and lessons to be learned and for life to equalize in a way that justified some small amount of the craziness I had endured.  As you can imagine, the more I held onto these things the worse that it got.  I continued to fell helpless and left out, to feel like happiness was too far away, and that everyone else involved had glazed over how bad they “should” feel about what they had done.  I was not a fun person to be around.  But I managed to finally take a step back, and make the choice to let it all go.  Life isn’t supposed to be fair, it isn’t important if he or she feels bad about what they did, happiness was obtained by WORKING for it, and time put distance between me and the low points in life.  Life corrected at it’s own pace, and all my struggling did nothing but slow it down.  In the end, I think that it was an important lesson to learn; there is a point where it is time to let go.   The illusion of control is appealing for obvious reasons, and it is definitely a tough choice to make.  I hope that it’s a choice that each of you can make when you hit that point, and that the difference it makes is substantial for you as well.
It’s hard to write now.  When I look at how many posts I made I feel empty, like someone with nothing more to say.  And writing is starting to feel sluggish, and difficult.  I figure the initial source material for my posts has dried up a bit (which is normal) and I have to push a little bit deeper.  It’s not so bad.  Although I wish I could still pump out posts with the fluidity of a journalist I do not miss the urgency my thoughts gave my feelings.  But to those still feeling that same urgency I will say this….

Keep writing….

I will keep reading….

Better days ahead, I can promise you that!

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