Lately I’ve been bothered by things of an existential nature. Making my way through grad school has had a profound effect on how I examine parts of my life. I will be moving into a field that is governed by a licensing board with the onus to remained informed and trained lays on me. How will I fit these things into my life? Time is a luxury and I spend most of it at home. Thoughts of my dad have brought thoughts of life and death. Thoughts like this inevitably bring the same question: have I lived a life I am proud of? I feel locked in place by debt, work, and school obligations. My dad passed away just before he was 60 which gives me 25 good years before I hit my ‘bonus time’. In the event that I only have 25 years left how do I want to spend it? This is a loaded question (as it often is) since I am beset with obligations that mean spending a good portion of it in ways I don’t want to. However, will what I do provide meaning and fulfillment? I am not sure if the answer is yes (at the moment). There are prerequisites to my finding my fulfillment in my career, and those prereqs sap me of resources to find fulfillment in life. There are a lot of things to think about in the coming months, I am not sure how (or if) my life will change.
Author: jlgedeon
Update Antics
Time has flown by. The world has been in the midst of a pandemic, I have been busy completing my undergrad, a new partner has brought a kid with them, and I have started a new job. A lot of things have happened in what seems like a short amount of time, yet a quick look at the calendar brings the realization that a year has passed in the blink of an eye. How do things get like this? Despite the adage stating that the older you get the faster things go by being tossed around on the regular it is always surprising to see it in action. Enough about being old though; it’s time to elaborate on the things that have changed in my life.
I finished my bachelors degree. I now have a BS in Psychology, the first step on my journey towards becoming a professional counselor (and arguably the easy one). School transitioned to zoom meetings in the spring of last year and I couldn’t have been happier. I really enjoyed zoom meetings as they let me wander through whatever else I was doing while maintaining minimal participation in the class. I got mostly A’s, and finished strong. Even though I knew it was coming, I didn’t feel anything when I had my diploma mailed to me. I didn’t expect anything drastic; I was prepared to feel very little once it was done. Instead, I felt nothing, with my emptiness standing as a testament to how I had felt about the whole process initially. College looks and feels like a waste of time and money. I’m of the opinion that there should be vocational tracks that exist for each profession designed to bypass the college experience. Some of the information is necessary, a lot of it was not. Still, I got a job within days of receiving my diploma, so I can count myself lucky that I did not have to experience what many psych grads see as they look for employment in their field.
On the subject of jobs, I have had two since the awarding of my BS. The first was in behavioral rehabilitation for adolescent boys with violent and sexual harmful behavior histories. Although I don’t (and haven’t ever) wanted to work with the adolescent population, it was an interesting job, and one that I only left because of a poor COVID response. More on that later. The job was intense in the ways that dealing with children often is, and I saw a lot of stories that were heartbreaking. I also saw a lot of behavior that I recognized in myself growing up, and, as is often the case, working in that capacity provided great opportunities for reflection. It also called into question the decision of that organization to use behavioral control methods that didn’t rely on medication, except as a last resort. I don’t believe in overprescribing, but I do know that some of the issues that the kids were having could not be solved with an adolescent brain and nonviolent communication. Additionally, several of the female employees informed me that they dealt with sexual discrimination in the form of unequal treatment compared to their male colleagues. I don’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t see anything that was out of the ordinary while I was there, and I keep my eyes open for those types of behavior because I know how insidious they are. It just goes to show that I still have work to do in noticing toxic workplaces. I did notice that there were quite a few boundary crossings and several boundary violations. This was disturbing, as I had just finished school and training on avoiding situations like these with clients. What was even more disturbing was that the organization didn’t provide adequate training for personnel to avoid these. What is interesting is how the lack of this training showed in employee behavior. Since the courses I took were counseling specific they focused on the therapeutic relationship and how to create and maintain a healthy dynamic with clients. All psych degrees are not the same, and it is possible that most folks might not even see courses like this. Folks at this place were using inappropriate ways of praising and reinforcement, and were building and maintaining inappropriate relationships with the clients that didn’t respect the power dynamic. This happened in such a way that I saw one person fired, and several others written up. This is a prime example of why each business in the field of psychology needs to have a robust and proprietary boundary building course. Beyond this, there were management issues that were apparent from the onset. Employees were tight knit, and often very friendly across manager/employee boundaries. This fraternization led to drama centered on favorable treatment, and doubt/mistrust when advancement occurred. My time there afforded me opportunities to learn about the population, but I am glad that I have moved on. While I didn’t endure it for very long, I could tell that what was present was a toxic. My second job was in a psychiatric hospital, and I enjoy it much more. I have been there for about 8 months now and I love it. The work is in my field but isn’t exhausting and the schedule is perfect for grad school.
Speaking of grad school…I am enrolled and engaged in an MFT program through an online university. It’s going well so far, although I am not very far into it. Grad school is a completely different beast than undergrad. There is a certain intentionality involved with going through a graduate program. I’m not filling my courseload up with fluff to meet requirements; I’m building a foundation and learning skills that will enhance my operation as a professional. There is a stronger desire to succeed here than there was during my journey to get a bachelors. Academically, I feel hungry and driven. I am unlocking a world of info that will prepare me for the job that I want to do for the rest of my life (at this point, as life is wont to change). Surely there is a whole post about grad school and what it means to me, so stay tuned.
My relationship is going well. There have been bumps along the way, but I feel like we have weathered them well. What I do notice is that some patterns that I thought were gone are coming back in my behavior. What seems to be more difficult is day to day communication with this partner. There are a lot of misses when we tackle problems together and that has led to internal and external conflict. This is bringing back old negativity habits, as well as difficulties with emotional regulation. For the first time since some of my more toxic relationships I feel unable to moderate some of the behavior that exacerbates the problems, like stonewalling, dismissing, and being critical. Despite trying to have conversations about how to make the home a safer place for me, I feel as though we are missing the mark. The conversations are going around in circles and I often feel like I am speaking from a ‘how I feel’ in the moment place as opposed to a how I feel overall. I don’t believe that I am fixing the problem. However, with effort applied in a different manner I do believe progress can be made. Troubleshooting the issues never stops. Interestingly, one of the areas in which our communication is nearly flawless is around the fact that we are poly. We have navigated this area with few hurdles and are enjoying ourselves and different partners. We have been attentive to poly specific needs and feel confident that we can continue to be safe and have fun.
The poly stuff has awoken some old demons in me. One of the areas that I struggle with concerns my own feelings of self-worth. It is no secret that I have struggled with feeling valuable as a partner and as a man throughout my life. The say goes that “Men are measured based on their ability to provide,” and oftentimes I feel as though what I provide is of lesser value. My brain tells me that it is not, that the value is comensurate with the things provided by others, but my chemical imbalance sees an easy opportunity to make me feel weak and helpless. I suppose that this is just the way of things. Isolation has been hard on us all, and my depression has surely made it harder. It is probably a good time to schedule some therapy (if I can find an opening, services are boooooooked) and work through the buildup of things that COVID has brought.
And that’s where I am. It feels so drastically different from where I was, and I almost can’t believe the things that I have typed out. It just goes to show you that things do change, that there are always better days ahead. Good luck folks, and I hope that each of you reading sees blessings today.
The long fight
Life weighs upon my shoulders. I am in one of my last three terms before I graduate with my BS in Psychology, I’m busy applying to grad schools to keep my momentum moving, and I’m dating to keep myself sane. Not to mention I’m trying to do more things around the house as I get ready to sell and move into Portland or away to grad school. And I’m trying to keep my fitness up and maintain my mental health. I was not prepared for how much effort a lot of this stuff would be. Sometimes it’s almost enough to put me back in depression. How fair is it that staying healthy requires so much work ON TOP of everything else that I have to do to keep my life moving forward? I feel like I complain about it a lot, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. I keep feeling like I’m falling behind because of all this, and no amount of effort will help me get ahead. It’s not a great feeling, why should I feel bad about complaining about it?
This behavior is insidious, as it has an overall lowering effect on my mood. I have to be careful about how much I let myself engage in it because if I’m not careful it will drag me back to my lowest points. Again, this seems unfair, as sometimes I feel like I can’t even complain about what’s going on with me. This snowballs into into me retreating from most of my responsibilities. What an awful cycle.
Despite this, life is going well. I’m in the downhill stretch for school, and I managed to get a 500 level course that will help me apply for grad school. I have lots of friends in my courses and it looks like I’ll have resources to help me study. I’m dating someone that I knew years ago where timing had kept us apart. The grad school submissions, while terrifying, are the next step in a process that has been going on for two years. Everything seems to be working fine, despite the hidden (or not so hidden) struggle.
Dating is the most fun part (obviously). The woman I met I had worked with when I was still a teenager. We lost contact after I left that place of employment for the better part of 13 years. We found each other swiping on Hinge, and have been hanging out for a while. It’s weird because there is a previous history, and while we were both dating other people at the time we both admitted to having a crush on the other person. It’s interesting how much familiarity there is because of a history that started and ended 13 years ago, and it’s a little unnerving to find most of my defenses down. She is particularly supportive and disarming, and I find myself entranced by her. I haven’t felt like this for the better part of a decade, so I’m excited to see where this will go. I’m also a bit anxious since I feel incredibly vulnerable. We’ll see where it goes 🙂
She is embroiled in a legal battle for rights for her daughter (who was born via IUI). If you can, consider taking a look at her page, as she is looking for support covering the legal costs associated with this fight. Thank you if you can support, and thank you for reading if you can’t 🙂 https://www.gofundme.com/f/9f8nm5-tbd?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&fbclid=IwAR2tFPhxRSYSCaJaPUt6-mmfiyEkvg19esWCHMeP6U96EsslYoJzk8rnxFo
I’ll keep fighting the good fight. It’s tough but I don’t want to imagine what life would be like if I chose to give up. Moving forward has always been painful, but from this pain comes growth. There are better days here, and better days ahead 🙂
Jonathan
Coming and Going
The holidays are fast approaching….
I’m not usually one to do much around the holidays when I’m not in a relationship. I’m flying out to visit one of my best girl friends while she completes her Doctoral program internship. She and I have a very Intimate/casual relationship, if that makes sense, so chances are high that we will get some physical needs fulfilled. It doesn’t matter to me, as time spent together will be enough to recharge my batteries. You never know how much you’ll miss hanging out with someone until they leave. Oh well….we all have our own directions to go.
I feel like I didn’t really grieve after this last relationship. There have been some sad times, but nothing that seemed appropriate for a relationship I spent a year in. I chalked this up to being ‘thorough’ in my last post, but I don’t think that this is necessarily a good thing. I read the post before the last, and it looked like I was seriously considering all the things that eventually led me to the breakup. What was it that diverted me? Yes, I eventually broke up, but why, if the problems were so apparent, did I take so long to get there?
One thing that I always seem to forget is that it’s much harder to break up with nice people than it is with people who clearly don’t deserve you. If someone was violating my boundaries this wouldn’t be an issue, but for someone who was genuinely trying their hardest with the skills they had acquired in their short life, things start to turn into more shades of grey. This is where more sinister thoughts come in to the equation; what am I willing to settle on to make this work? It took a long time to get to a point where I was able to say ‘I’m not settling on a whole love language’. How scary is it that I almost gave up a part of myself just so that I would have companionship? These are the reasons I am getting into Couples Counseling. I don’t seek to redirect anyone who wants to make these choices, but I will collaborate with those who are seeking something more empowering. Hell, maybe I’ll glean some answers from my more enlightened clients as well. That’s what they say about therapy; as much as you shine a light onto your clients a lot of times it reflects right back at you.
As payment for letting me stay with her for a few days I purchased a vibrator for my friend. She said hers was dying recently so I found one on amazon and placed an order. It turned out to be a battery issue, but hopes are high that this one gets the job done. The reviews were great, but since there are services that pay people to write reviews who knows what the real deal is. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07GZHJ3NL/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Give the reviews a read if you feel like smiling, and if the lady in your life is down maybe a gift will help!
As always, better days ahead. These ones should get here about Thursday.
Same old song and dance
I’m single again. This one lasted a year before I said goodbye. If I’m being honest, I probably should have ended it earlier than that, but I’m thorough. She was sweet, and quite lovely. Age, experience, and communication (or a lack thereof) are what ended it. It’s interesting watching someone go through things for the first time. People try something, and fail and learn, or succeed and move on. The failure is so hard to watch. I have found that although I can be accommodating at first, I quickly get frustrated. It’s hard for me to avoid judgement in these cases because I’m so far removed from the ‘for the first time’ experience. I’m in my thirties, and I’ve made a point of pushing myself into new experiences. Seeing someone who did not have the same pursuit was alien to me. How can you grow if you choose to stay in and avoid? Letting people fail is necessary, as it’s the primary driving factor in growing into the person you are supposed to be. Interrupting that failure can produce dependency, and nobody wants that. But I need someone who can seek success on their own at a pace that matches my own drive (note, I am not a MEGA driven guy, but I do my best not to stagnate). And that’s where I got to in this relationship: stagnation. Early on I was great at communicating. I’ve sharpened my skills over the years and I have no problem asking for what I need. I was not prepared for it to be continuously denied to me, however, and I quickly sank back into depression. It’s interesting to see how all of the skills I learned fell off once I was in a position where my needs weren’t getting fulfilled. Now I know even more about how ‘Jon’ works.
There isn’t much to say about the relationship. Grieving has been touch and go, and for the most part I feel ok. I have more energy than I did, and that’s likely because I’m not doing the emotional work for two people. It’s left me with more motivation for school, and I’m back to old study habits again. It’s nice to not feel awful because you aren’t avoiding something anymore. With the relationship in place I never felt like I had enough energy for anything. It’s slowly coming back, and as I eat healthier I’m coasting back down to a healthier weight. It’s been a long time coming.
School is going well. I’m looking into grad school, and I should have some applications off in the next month or so. I will be ready to attend in the fall, but I don’t know if I’ll get accepted. There is a lot of stiff competition in this field, regardless of the experience that I have. I’m still hopeful, and I plan to put in no less than five grad school apps. Unfortunately, because America’s school system messed up, it’s going to cost me more than 300$. Oh well. The road to make money is long, but I’ll walk it…
It’s been a long year, and there have been a lot of good times. I’m anxious to see things change for the better. For now, I’ll enjoy a quieter holiday period, even if it’s not what I’m used to. Better days are here my friends, time and time again.
Welcome Back
In keeping with tradition I have been away from the blog for a period of months. I haven’t been anywhere in particular: home, school, work, social events. But I have neglected my ‘duties’ per se. I call them duties because they are one of the fundamental ways in which I moderate my depression. This blog exists as a way to keep me “Outside of myself” when my thoughts ferment into poison. Needless to say, the last few months haven’t been kind to me psychologically.
I left my position with the behavioral health company that I was working for in late March. I was unable to get them to work with my school schedule, and I couldn’t take another term of full time school and full time work. They had plotted together to drag me down into some terrible ruminations and not altogether healthy coping mechanisms. Most of the money I was making was going to fast food, electronics, video games, and excursions out on the town. Is fulfilling work worth financial and emotional stability? I have to remember that while I might be meeting some needs that I haven’t had met in my life up until this point, where I am is temporary. I cannot sacrifice those things if it means I lose performance in school, or if it slows my journey to my master’s program (and eventually, to my career of choice). I told myself (and my managers) when I got hired that I would make decisions that protected myself over decisions that kept me employed. They were behind that statement.
Additionally I have had some issues within my relationship. My partner and I have been dating for about 9 months, and things have been going well for the most part. The same issue keeps coming up that seems to drive a wedge in between us; communication is an ongoing battle. It could be due to the fact that they are younger, or that they haven’t been in a relationship where healthy communication is the norm. Regardless, we find ourselves at odds when trying to communicate about basic things. I often forget how difficult it is for me to maintain a standard of performance for something when my partner isn’t as good at it. I find myself making more missteps than I have in less recent relationships. Trying to teach and trying to maintain is difficult, especially when you feel like they are fighting against you. Progress is being made, enough that I’m confident that we’re on the right track. Outside of the communication issues there is very little that has made me wonder about the relationship. No fights, very few arguments, lots of good interactions on a daily basis. So far it seems like one of the most positive relationships I’ve been in. Time will tell…
I’ve been struggling with taking care of myself lately. Although I haven’t had an official job, I’ve supplemented my income with various moneymaking apps (delivery, taxi, etc.) in an attempt to stay busy. I’ve also been applying to many different places in the hopes that I find the perfect part-time oncall job that will work with my school schedule. But this hasn’t stopped the onset of an incredible amount of lethargy that seemingly crept in after I stopped working. I feel less and less like doing anything but resting around the house. I took some intense courses to try and combat this, but I seem to be able to coast around most of those commitments as well. What could be the cause of this?
My great struggle comes with the idea that we all have to work. I don’t like doing work, at all. Sure, there are times when I feel happy and fulfilled for a short time after working, but most of the time I do my best to shove my brain into a ‘null’ state where I zone out to get past whatever task I’m trying to finish. I found myself doing this often, even when the work I was doing was in Mental health. This affliction seems even worse when I consider the idea that most of the time completion of a task rewards me with nothing emotionally. As of right now it’s fodder for the therapist’s couch, and it’s what takes up our usual discussions. Hopefully we make some headway on it in time for me to find renewed interest in my journey into counseling. If I’m being honest, however, the best year of my life was the year I spent not working while I went to school, and I know it would have been even more fun if I didn’t have to attend school. When do I get to retire?
I’ll end it there. This rat race is exhausting and I’m sure I have plenty more to say, but I have to get back to school work. No amount of school work can remove my belief that there are…
better days ahead.
Too Much
It’s been a while since I posted. Life has been quite busy. As I have posted about before, I recently (within the last three months) got a job in the field of mental health, and I have been loving it (for the most part). There are still some things that irk me about the field and my duties, but starting at the bottom is part of the process. This experience has been eye opening in a lot of ways, but the experience I have gained has been invaluable. I can’t tell you how affirming it is to be able to sit with a group of professionals and be able to talk as experts in something. I never thought I would get to this point as an engineer, and that it was something I would never see in my life. But siting amongst my peers and having them look to me for advice on how to deal with or interact with a client is a fantastic feeling. This is where I’m supposed to be!
School has been rough. I took an extra class in order to raise the grade I got previously. That meant I was taking 16 units and working full time. I was doing alright for a short time, but eventually it caught up to me. My grade started to slip in that class, and then in my other classes as well. I don’t know what it is about schoolwork, but I have a really hard time doing it in certain circumstances. I couldn’t even force myself to sit down and complete it, I would just sit on the couch or in front of the computer screen and try to fly to the farthest part of my mind. If there is something I will never be bad at, it’s avoidance haha.
I finally made the decision to drop my extra class, and sit down with my manager and talk about my schedule. This is too much, and it’s about to get even harder with my transition to a four year university coming up. I need to prepare in a way that ensures that my priorities are maintained. School is number one. I have my goals and my dreams and I will not compromise. If there is nothing my job can do to accommodate me then I’ll leave. It was a great foot in the door, and I know of a lot of other companies that would be more than willing to take me on an On call or part time basis.
On a side note, I had a lovely weekend with a fellow blogger! She and I have been speaking for a while, and I planned a vacation to go visit her in California. It was a wonderful weekend, full of sightseeing and DELICIOUS food. We got along like peas and carrots and I’m so thankful that I had a weekend to let the rest of life wash off of me. So thank you L. Rorschach for being such a gracious host and leading me through the city 🙂
Better days ahead everyone, even if I’m so damn tired…
Balancing it All
It’s no secret that dating takes a lot of energy. Those of you who are currently engaged in it know that meeting new people, making yourself vulnerable, and finding ways to relate to someone new all take an amount of energy we are never really prepared for. There’s always a point where we step back and say “Enough for now, it’s time to rest”. For some this is the deleting of the app, the hiding of the profile, or just the decision not to go out on the weekend. Knowing when to recognize this is good! Being aware of what your body is going through is a level of awareness that is uncommon these days. Knowing when, where, and how to practice self care is just as important as finding someone you want to be with, so why don’t we put more emphasis on it?
It isn’t a surprise that the focus comes on dating and finding the right person. Some of us are taught that a relationship will solve our problems (and for those of us with anxious attachment styles, we KNOW about all the problems relationships solve for us). Why wouldn’t we go all in and play ‘personality trait bingo’ with our hopefuls trying to win big? This kind of thinking sets us up for disaster, allowing us to get to that ‘overextended’ stage where we are emotionally burned out. This can be dangerous for a number of reasons.
For one, this emotional burnout can effect us in other areas of our lives. How often have you felt like you didn’t have the energy for a task at work or at home? It’s true, it could be any number of factors, but getting that burnout in one area of your life is bound to lead to other areas. You might notice that your diet has started to slip, or that you’re not working out as often, or that you’ve stopped talking to your friends as regularly. If this is the case, you might want to see what areas might be causing the burnout for you (as it isn’t always relationship related). Some well deserved R&R might be just what you need.
Another reason you might want to avoid this emotional burnout is because it creates an opportunity for the wrong people to move in. When this exhaustion is present I am more vulnerable to those who would seek to soothe it. This, in and of itself, may seem benign to some people. To my fellow anxious attachers (AA) this can be a death sentence for our ability to think clearly. We tend to elevate and ruminate over the meaning of individual events, and the last thing I want to do is put myself in a situation where I can fall down a ‘do they or don’t they’ rabbit hole that results in me wondering whether or not they want to get married. This isn’t the fault of the other person (usually, there are still those who look for that weakness and vulnerability as a way to lay a foundation of control over someone’s feelings), I’m aware that this is due solely on my ability to think rationally about the meaning of a particular event. But the best way to prevent these types of occurrences is to prevent them from happening in the first place.
Finally, catching yourself and allowing time for your body and mind to rest is the ultimate form of self respect. There is no greater judge of what’s going on with your body in the moment (outside of sought advice from physicians and other body experts) and knowing where to draw the line is the best way to say ‘I love you’ to yourself and mean it. So many of us struggle with self esteem, but this can be a healthy way to start combating that.
As a side note, not all of dating has to be about finding the right person. You can find people who may have little permanence in your life and enjoy the time you spend with them (whether it gets physical or not). Some of the most rejuvenating times in my life where short spells with people who were exactly what I needed at the time. For my AA peeps, we need to hit a certain level of acceptance and awareness of what we tend to do before we try something like this, because if we allow ourselves to attach to something non permanent we can end up doing more harm than good. It’s another one of those things that you can test out for yourself (as long as your strong enough to stop yourself if it goes bad). With so much pressure on dating, it’s easy to forget that life is supposed to be fun. If we treat it as such, everything becomes a lot easier.
As a disclaimer, this is advice and perspective that has worked for me. It doesn’t mean it will work for you, or that it’s guaranteed to help you (in fact, for some it might even make it more difficult). If you feel like you can use it, take what I’ve said here and tailor it for yourself! You know yourself the best, it’s time to start living like it 🙂
Better days ahead everyone!
Meaning and the Anxious mind
As human beings we are on the eternal search for meaning. Everything must mean something, or why would it happen in the first place. For some, the idea that there is no meaning, that everything is just a coincidence is a burden, and idea that cannot sit with them no matter how they process it. There has to be something behind it all, some driving force that is the explanation for why things are the way that they are. It’s no secret that the anxious mind does this in dating as well.
It was often that I would look for meaning in things. I spent a lot of time thinking about what each action might mean to me, what it meant coming from the other person, signs the universe might be giving me to tell me that something was right or wrong, and many other facets that meaning might bring to my life. It was exhausting. It was overthinking, rumination, uncontrollable catastrophizing thoughts that consumed me for hours on end as I struggled to make sense of it all. The answer to the question “does the other person think about me as much as I think about them?” is often an emphatic NO. Anxious people like to think, and break things down, and go over details many, many times. It’s no secret that my attachment style is Anxious. It’s due to hard work and self moderation that I feel comfortable saying that I’m Secure/Anxious now. It was a long journey, and there were many pitfalls along the way.
Searching for meaning in relationships was dangerous. The idea that you ‘feel’ like you are supposed to be together can weigh heavy on someone who is being broken up with, or someone who is staying in an abusive relationship.
“They are the best sex I’ve ever had, that has to mean something!”
“Nobody makes me feel the way that they make me feel.”
“They gave me flowers on a day that they didn’t even know I was depressed, it’s meant to be.”
These thoughts take an infinite number of intrusive forms as we line up birthdays, experiences, and other minutiae into the foundation for why we’re there in the first place. They become a crutch that keeps us in place, and, in certain cases, weapons in our fight to avoid being alone (and in extreme cases, to hurt). These things have lost their meaning to me outside of showing a persons character. Of course I can use them to adjust my view of a person, but never as an excuse to believe anything other than choice or coincidence has a say in whether or not I am with someone.
How can these things be a crutch? Using the meaning we create we can keep ourselves from recognizing or addressing issues. The meaning I am talking about is the meaning that comes from things outside of our control. Many people won’t agree with this, and that’s ok. I’m not speaking from a general point of view, I’m speaking from my own experiences. I used meaning to justify years in an abusive relationship. I used meaning to try and fight for the wrong relationships. I used meaning to try and coax people into making different decisions during relationships. And I used meaning to try and make myself feel better as a last ditch effort. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s one that only results in more pain. It can artificially move relationships forward too fast, or put the wrong people together. The idea of being alone is a terrifying thought to an anxious person. Your brain will NOT be on your side during that fight.
What meaning can we use? Surely we aren’t in some nihilistic void where nothing matters? The meaning we should look to provide us with answers is the meaning of choice. Choice is a powerful indicator of character, although not necessarily intent. Your boyfriend making you some soup when you are sick doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be with you forever. It means that he believes in picking up some slack and making sure you get what you need when you need a little help. Indication of character is important, and we need to see the value in the choices we and our partners make. And, when the meaning of something might be a little obfuscated behind ours or someone else’s thoughts, we need to be ready to explain what we mean by what we have said or done. In my own relationships I am quick to explain what means something specifically for someone, and what speaks more to my character. It’s no secret that I would listen to someone who was depressed and hurting regardless of whether or not I was dating them, but the choice to take a day to make someone feel special and loved is a little more of a pointed effort in the dating category.
On the other side of things, I no longer let silly things like favorite bands/songs, birthdays, coincidence, or whatever little thing seems to dance it’s way into my vision keep me from seeing the reality of a situation. It took a lot of training, and a lot of practice, but I finally feel like I am able to date with control and intent.
Finally, be on the lookout for people who want to use meaning to make you feel a certain way. The person who makes a statement by taking back what was given, changing the perception of what was said or done, or twists the choices you make into something to further their own agenda is a toxic person indeed. And you, my friend, can do a lot better than that toxic person.
Better days ahead!
The holidays
I have often wondered about why I like to write. Is it because I am good at it? Is it because I like to type? Is it because I like the idea of my emotional outlet being something that calls upon my intelligence and creativity? It’s probably a little of everything, really. Who among us doesn’t enjoy the things that make us feel good (or better than before, sometimes)?
Sometimes, when I am having a bad day, I write. This is no secret, and my post history is replete with indicators of which days were bad and which were good. I’m here to say that Friday was a bad day. Why was it a bad day, you ask? It’s the holidays.
I’m dating healthily, I’m taking care of myself (more than usual, I’m still figuring out a steady routine), I’m in constant contact with my support group, so what gives? Why do I feel this pervasive, overwhelming sadness that seems to permeate my life, and direct me into the darkest corners of my mind?
The holidays have never been my thing. I learned to work them in the military, and since then I haven’t looked back. I like the idea of helping a co-worker out so that they might spend time with their family, and also picking up some extra cash from overtime. But this time is different. Previously I was married, or dating, or in some type of long term relationship. This gives the holidays a feeling of emotional permeability, although the idea that I would want to spend that time away from my partner should have been an indicator of the state of any of my relationships (but I digress).
But now, as was the case last year, there is no one. Well, there are someone’s, but they are not the deeply intimate relationships that I am accustomed to. They are the relationships that I’m still fleshing out, still trying to see if they are right. There are no “I love you’s” or grand romantic gestures; nothing to sate the desire to feel well and truly loved. I know that my support group loves me, I know that my family loves me. I know that I have everything I need to survive. But…
I don’t have everything I want.
I ache for someone to find a way to provide that grand romantic gesture. I desire to be thought of the same way I think (or have thought) of other people. I long for someone to spend time figuring out how to do something that shows me that they love me. To be honest, it’s the thing that has eluded me for such a long time that I don’t even know if I will find it. It hasn’t been present in ANY of my relationships since…..well, I can’t even remember when the last time I had it was (there are some memories of the last abusive relationship I was in, but I am not sure if I would count those given the state of things at that time. I was in such an emotional deficit that anything would have seemed like a gesture).
I am not alone. There are so many of us in this same spot that it seems silly to make a post about it. I can imagine the amount of people who might read this and think “Yeah, yeah, we’re all lonely now, but we’re dealing with it. What makes you so special that you have to write a blog post?” Well, this blog post isn’t just me bitching about the approaching holidays. This is me doing something else.
The holidays are tough. REAL TOUGH. And I am not the only one they are tough for. If you are having a tough time going through the holidays and you need someone to reach out to, please, reach out to me. We can chat about the hard stuff, about the good stuff, about the things that hope for, or about whatever you can think of. You’ll find my contact info on the site (in the about me section). If you’re located near PDX you can join me for a beer and we can gab in person. If you’re far away we can shoot some emails or texts back and forth. Either way, if you need it, I’ll take the time.
And that’s that. The sadness is palpable, but I’ll get through it. I always do. There are always better days ahead 🙂
Life after her Affair 