Protecting myself

Dating is a battlefield.  We are assaulted from all sides by the promise of exactly what we want.  What is a strangers promise worth?  Hell, what is a promise from someone who has hurt you worth?

It depends.

Learning how to date was an emotional roller coaster.  I can trace it back all the way to my first serious GF, a woman named Allison.  To put it bluntly, I was an idiot (weren’t we all?).  But, at least I was an honest idiot.  In the name of getting laid I lost some of my honesty, and dating got much, much harder.  When I found it again, I was on the wrong end of dating and trying to figure out why I kept meeting the wrong people.  Little did I know that I was only a few books away from the answer.

My therapist turned me onto some light reading.  He suggested that I open up a book or two on attachment theory, and see where it pointed me.  I was skeptical, but I gave it a shot.  It took me very little time to read that first book.  Once I started the first page I didn’t set it down until it was done.

Attachment theory had blown my mind open.

I had never felt so struck by the information presented in a self help book before.  In fact, I had a mostly negative view of the effect of self-help books on me.  I was supposed to be good at this, why should I read a book?  This newfound knowledge was immediately put to use.

I stopped dating for the ‘feeling’.  This is very hard for some people.  We all look for ‘the feeling’.  It’s more than attraction…it’s the magnetic pull that brings us into the clouds only to land in the arms of the person who instills it.  But this feeling can be created by a mismatch of attachment styles.  It can be created by danger, risk, and the possibility of reward.  It can be created when you have secrets with someone, or from shared misery.  A wide variety of things and events can play into this feeling, and it doesn’t always mean that person is right for you.  Cheaters will tell you that this is how their partner made them feel.  If this feeling can be mimicked from infidelity (often to much greater effect than if it occurs naturally) how are we able to trust it?  The short answer is that we don’t.  We don’t let this feeling take us away from baseline.  It’s nice to feel it, but it’s not indicative of anything except a strong attraction.  If anything, you should be even more vigilant in determining what’s going on between you and the other person.

I stopped ruminating.  This one was hard for me.  I’m a romantic at heart, and there’s nothing better than sitting and thinking about the current person occupying my desires.  This can be pretty poisonous though, especially when it strengthens your emotional attachment in a relationship.  It’s better for this to be built over time, rather than to artificially inflate it with your imagination.  Each imaginary scenario is another string tying you to the idea of that other person.  The here and the now is what’s important.  It also has a tendency to make us more likely to ignore red flags and push the relationship farther, faster.  The last thing that I want is to let a sense of ‘inertia’ carry my far past the healthy time to leave.

I stopped making excuses for people.  When I entered into my abusive relationships I stayed long past the point that I should have.  I was certain the love was there, and I was certain that all I had to do was wait it out to find it.  Loving treatment and a stress-free relationship were always on the other side of the mountain that was each, big fight.  Having an eye into mental health worked in tandem with my ability to think the best of people, and that with enough time and effort things would turn out OK.  I was wrong.  I spent nearly 5 years of my life in abusive relationships, and not once did things every move significantly towards better treatment for me.  There were calm periods, yes, but nothing that should have made me think that the end of my suffering was near.  No more excuses meant that I was free to let people go that I thought (or knew) would have a negative impact on my life.

I stopped NEEDING a relationship.  This is probably the most difficult one.  I know a lot of us feel empty and abandoned without a relationship.  I know that the affirmation gained passively just from BEING in a relationship is hard to go without (especially for those of us who have an ANXIOUS attachment style).  That’s no excuse for us to keep the wrong people in our life to mitigate that.  Saying that you need to let go is easy, but in practice this is difficult.  You’ll have to take time to take care of yourself, find things you enjoying doing, hang out with your friends, and just generally start finding a zest for life as a single person.  When you can do this, letting the wrong person go becomes infinitely easier.

I stopped believing I had all the answers.  This is the last thing.  I’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t know everything about this subject.  I’ve done A LOT of reading, and I know that I’ve only scratched the surface.  But I also know that I spent a great deal of time thinking that I knew the right answer and ignoring my need to get help, either via therapy, self-help books, or knowledge of my peers.  When you think you know all the right answers, the decisions you make are never wrong (even if, aha, they are).  Humble yourself, and let people who know the right answer in.

I don’t fall easily anymore.  I used to be able to fall in a heartbeat, letting myself go at the first hint of attraction.  It was romance, I would say to myself, where’s the harm in that?  Now I am more reserved, more guarded.  I haven’t had a ‘love at first sight’ moment in years, and even if I’m attracted to someone it doesn’t get away from me.  It all sounds very boring, but I can’t stress enough how much better and more in control I feel.  This is a triumph of my ability to date in a healthy manner, and I’m so excited that the streak has continued this far (almost 2 years of healthy dating!).

These are better days.  Amidst all the anxiety and stress of real life, these are the days that I will remember.

 

Familiar

The day was winding down.  I was leaving the factory with a friend and all I could think of was the incoming weekend.  As I was removing my gloves and my hairnet I looked to my left and I paused.  Walking down the hallway was the man my ex wife had been unfaithful with.  It’s been almost a year since I have seen or heard from him, and I certainly didn’t expect to see him on a day shift (he moved to a front end nights position last time I heard).   I smiled and waved, and greeted him warmly.  He did the same, and we passed by each other.  It’s so odd, to think that he, at one point, caused me so much grief.  Well, to be fair, he AND my ex wife.  I often get caught in thinking that he was the culprit but I can usually stop and remember that it takes two people to make those decisions.  Despite this, I actually don’t think about him very often.  He pops into my head perhaps once a month, and that is only if something reminds me of him.  To top it all off, I harbor no ill will towards him either.  His appearance at this time is very odd, given what I am going through.  It is uncanny that I could make such similar mistakes so soon after I had seen the consequences of them.  The familiar feeling of anxiety had crept back inside me, convincing me that I still have a long way to go in dealing with things like this.  I don’t think I will ever be at a point where I can deal with these situations perfectly, but I get a little better each time.  And, some of life’s most recent lessons have done a good job in pushing me harder than I have ever been pushed before.  While I have endured some heavy losses in regards to the people in my life, I have learned some of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned as well.

I made it home, thoughts swirling around in my head.  My life is in a state where it could go in several different directions,  and by all accounts I should be FREAKING out right now.  I remain calm, collected, and prepared as I wait for life to give me a nudge in the right direction.  As pleased as I am with how I feel, I know that there will be things ahead that will still shake me.  There are better days ahead, for each and every one of us.

The next Man who Occupies her Heart

My dad published a post before he died detailing what he felt concerning my mom dating again.  It is important to note that she has not done this, and does not plan to do it at all, but we know how life can change.  My dad was realistic, knowing that at someone God might put another perfect person in my mom’s life, and his post reflected on that possibility.  I have been thinking a lot about what has gone on with me and my ex.  Our circumstances aren’t even remotely similar, but I still feel the same way.  I worry about the next man who occupies Annika’s heart, and whether or not he will be the “one”.  I worry that she will find that which is perfect for her, a man who is strong and gentle, a man who takes pride in the truth, a man whom she finds handsome and sexy and shares everything with.  It does me no good to wish to be this man, especially if it is already over.  It would not be healthy for me to dwell on it, and so I must move on as well.  But it won’t stop me from wishing the following for her, and writing the following for the next man to read:

You have met a wonderful woman, and I am envious of you.  You are about to embark on a great adventure with someone who will challenge you in all the right ways.  She is honest and truthful, and she loves what she does with a passion.  Her creativity will leave you in awe, especially when she uses it for you.  You will always know where you stand with her, and she will surprise you with little caring things in the best ways.  She embodies sexiness in a way that only a confident woman can, and to see this from her means that you have earned the trust of one of the most amazing women that I know.  Take good care of her, as you will no doubt hear about me.  You will hear how I failed and how I had the chance to protect this wonderful woman.  You will hear how I was deaf to her cries for help and how I turned away when she needed support from the one she loved.  I will never deny the truth in these things.  I made my mistakes, and I made them in full view of the right choice.  Whether I knew it or not at the time, I choose a life that didn’t include that which I hold most dear to me.  Now I sit and regret my character at a time when character was most important.  I wait with a hope that she will contact me even though I know it will not happen.  You have the opportunity to do better, although at this point that may not be too difficult.  You can choose to be the man that I couldn’t, and take this woman’s heart and nurture it with love and kindness and forgiveness.  You can choose to value her needs just as high or higher than your own.  The best part is that you probably don’t even need me to tell you all of this.  You will do just fine as a better man than me.  Your love story with her will have a much different ending, whether it is happy or sad.  Though I exist as just another one of her “exes” I wish all the happiness in the world for both of you.  And I while I wish that I was the one who occupied her heart, I am content knowing that a better man than me has it.

The more I write about it the better I feel.  I learned this when I was going through my divorce, and I plan to keep putting it into practice for a long time.  I don’t know how long it will take me but I will eventually reach a point where I don’t spend my days feeding of this regret.  Better days ahead, for each and every one of us.

Settling

Sometimes I get angry at myself.  I look at my marriages and I think of all of the mistakes that I made.  I think of all the pain that I caused by jumping into things and not thinking them through, and the lessons that pain has surely taught people.  It does not feel good to be the one who caused that pain, even if it resulted in growth in the other person.  Sometimes you get what’s going around and sometimes you are what’s coming around.  That expression takes on a bittersweet meaning in our case, and what’s coming or going seems to be so destructive at the time.  But volcanic eruptions leave behind extremely fertile lands allowing what was destroyed to grow back more beautiful than ever.  I can pinpoint the source of most of these events down to a single mindset that I held each and every single time; the settling mindset.

With my first wife I was homesick, lonely, and depressed.  Our relationship was never “fiery” or “passionate” but we had fun for the most part.  I missed the memo where you don’t make relationships that are “fun” into marriages and I was over committed and in over my head.  I had settled for someone with entirely different viewpoints on major issues and a completely different way of life than mine.  Add to that to in-laws who REALLY didn’t like me and a lukewarm family reception and things weren’t off to a good start.  A large lack of of trust and intimacy meant that the marriage didn’t last long before we were very unhappy.  Add deception into the mix and we stood no chance.  She was not the type of girl for me.  She was emotionally distant and unfeeling on a lot of issues.  She would tell me that she didn’t think “I could make it” in certain situations concerning my chosen profession (and sometimes life in general).  I was never perfect, but I had abstained from offering remarks like that.  I had settled on too many things to be with someone when I was just afraid of being alone.

In hindsight I may have settled for even more in my second marriage.  How is it that we become so adept at lying to ourselves in the wake of such destruction?  Why is it that we take a microscopic view of things instead of a macroscopic?  Why do we look specifically at the few good traits and ignore the mountain of bad ones?  In the case of my last wife there were a lot of red flags.  Now, I didn’t have an epiphany and suddenly realize that she was not great for me.  I came to this through therapy as I worked through my relationship with my counselor.  I was still dedicated to making things work until he brought my perspective to an objective level regarding what I saw as positive relationship events.  When I stepped back and looked at what she and I constructed for a relationship I was a little appalled.  I had made similar mistakes although they were not because I didn’t want to be alone.  I looked at the traits that I liked and I put too much emphasis on them because I thought that that was what I deserved.  Hindsight is 20/20.

Never again.  I will not settle for anything in a relationship again.  If something is a deal breaker I will try to reach a compromise but I will not leave something like that without being discussed.  If a compromise can’t be reached than the hard choice must be made.  It’s a wiser, albeit more painful way to live but the dating world is a painful place.  I am keeping my eyes open in this new relationship to see if there is something that I am settling for and so far I have been extremely pleased.  The new woman has shown me things that I didn’t even know I needed.  Things that might be done without a thought on her part but leave a lasting impact on me.  It’s good to feel like this again, and I am excited to see where it goes.

Better days ahead everyone!  Even if they take the long way around.

Does anyone want a care package?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Moving

As a disclaimer it was not me who moved!  I helped a room mate move in this weekend and I am exhausted.  Although, I also was able to spend some of the days with my lovely lady friend who is turning out to be a biggest blessing in my life right now.  Regarding my room mate, things went smoothly.  We got most of his stuff in on my first day off and had his room set up by the end of the first day.  He was able to move most of the little stuff himself and now has very little left at the house (he was renting a house by himself, he was divorced several years ago).  It’s times like these where I am thankful I have 2300 square feet of space, given that most of it is now taken up by boxes.  They will disappear slowly but surely as we integrate it into the household.  My ex wife still has a fair amount of her stuff in the home, and due to a lengthy sickness she has missed several appointments to come by and pick it up.  It isn’t a huge deal, but it still irks me for obvious reasons.  The sooner she gets her stuff the sooner I can start moving some of my larger objects into permanent homes.  Getting angry about it won’t make it happen quicker so it just exists as a “To get done” task in my mind.
My ex wife sent me a few texts over the weekend.  She told me she was having a difficult day and wanted to know how I was doing.  I asked if she wanted to talk and it was revealed that she had been dating someone the last couple weeks before we finalized the divorce as well as had attempted to start dating the man she had a relationship with while we were married.  I was surprised to find that I wasn’t upset about either of these things, and was even a bit sad that they had only made it a few weeks during a really busy holiday time before he called it off.  I honestly want he and her to be happy, but I would understand if they couldn’t find that happiness together.  I wished her the best of luck and quickly disengaged from the conversation when it transitioned to small talk.  Chatting when she is having a hard night is fine, but I am not her friend.  She has her GFs, her co-workers, her FWBs and whoever else to spend that kind of time with her.  Our divorce came through on the 24th, meaning Oregon got through our paperwork in ONE DAY.  Go Oregon *waves Flag*.

This new woman is ridiculous.  We are taking it slow (slow for an ADHD person anyway) but already she has shown me that I was settling for my ex wife in so many ways.  It’s actually made for some interesting conversation with my therapist about red flags and relationships and our propensity to settle because we don’t want to be alone.  It is incredible how many things I dismissed as unimportant or inconsequential that turned out to have a major impact on my relationship.  These are lessons that are burned into my head now, and I will carry them into my future relationships.  The next woman I choose to marry will see a much better version of the man I was last year.  One thing I would be interested in is telling our story.  Documenting how we met and how our relationship is going and our trials and tribulations seems like it would be a fun and exciting and intimate exercise.  But I would have to talk with her and see if she would be interested in that.  Things are moving my friends, better days are here!

You

Hey You…
Yes you, reading this post, listen for a bit.  I heard on the grapevine that you are pretty cool.  And that you are going through some tough stuff right now, tough and unfair stuff.  Its the kind of thing that no one should have to feel, the deepest cut betrayal can make.  I want to let you in on a little secret; you will get through it.  You are who your pets or children think you are, strong and caring and amazing.  You are who your friends think you are, loyal and fun and resilient.  So you take some days to sit and stew, to waste the time away under an ominous black cloud.  There are some days where that needs to be done.  Don’t let it consume you but don’t let it bring you down either.  The dark days are part of the process and are what make the light so bright in comparison.  What you are is steel in a forge that’s heated red hot.  Your previous shape is gone, melted away in searing flames.  A blacksmith swings his hammer as he imbues you with a strength you did not have and indeed, could not have known without this tempering.  The process is painful, but what a work of art you are to behold when he is done.  You are a tempered being worth more than those who weighed you.  You are a ripple ever widening and changing the surface around you.  Hold your head high and look around; see those touched by your presence or influence.  One persons failures will not define you, nor will it make you less than what you were.  Look in the mirror and know beauty in our struggle, in the growth it provides and the wisdom it cultivates.  Strive for the standard that defines you, that resonates in everything that you do.  Finally, know that you are not alone, that we are here on your “hell no!” days and your “hell yes!” days.  Put one foot in front of the other with us as we struggle in kind and march towards a future where our wounds start to heal, our scars start to fade, and our hearts start to open back up.  You CAN do this.  You MUST do this.  You WILL do this.
Better days ahead, I can promise you that!

Worried

I am worried.  Worry has not grabbed me like this in a long time, not since the beginning of my situation.  Even then this worry is a little bit different.  It’s not centered around any one person, but rather the unknown in my future.  Things are going well in my present, the woman I am seeing is wonderful in so many ways that I have not seen in someone (yes, even in my most recent marriage).  It’s amazing to see someone who, after such a short time, has made me realize all the things that I DO need from a partner and all the things that I was not getting.  How far this will go is up in the air, there is a pleasant feeling in making sure that I do the “dating thing” right this time.  This new worry, however, has gripped me in a rough way.

It’s no secret that I have made mistakes.  I have referenced a time where I made similar mistakes to the ones my wife made in much the same mindset.  These mistakes will haunt me for the rest of my life, and will be an ever present reminder that none are above the choices that she made (at least for me).  In talks with this new woman she has revealed that she has been hurt in a similar way, in the way that I have hurt people and the way my wife has hurt me.  It pains me to think that there is something that I have done that might push this person away.  My choices are my own, and while I want her to stay I would understand if she chose to leave.  I couldn’t imagine being hurt the way that she was and having to look at this new person and think “If he has done it before what will stop him from doing it again?”.  She will make her own decision, and whatever that is I will accept it.  It seems a silly thing to worry about after such a short time, but I don’t want to hurt anyone else (nor do I want to be hurt in return but that is a lesser concern).  Life moves on I suppose, and I will continue to have those deep, important and painful conversations.  It’s not like shying away from them has ever helped me in the past, right?

Inspiring

Well, this is exciting.  I was nominated for an inspiring blogger award by one of my fellow bloggers (thanks http://recoveringwomancaughtinadultery.wordpress.com/ !).  This is something that actually means a lot to me, because it means that me writing about my experiences has helped someone else besides me.

That has always been my hope, that someone might read my blog and have a slightly brighter day because of it.  What we have been through is hard, but we are not alone.  We will all get through this and be better for it, regardless of how hopeless it may seem.  I feel as though I should nominate others for this award, however, because there are several people whose blogs have brightened my day.

The rules of the award are;

1 thank the person who nominated you, display the award on your post.
2 list the award rules
3 state 7 random things about yourself
4 nominate other bloggers
5 contact your nominees to let them know you have nominated them
6 proudly display the award logo on your blog either on a side bar, about page or a special award page
7 Random Things About Myself 

1. I lost 30 lbs during this process.

2. I like the outdoors a lot.

3. I have a small schnauzer/terrier mix named Raven.

4. I served in the US Navy.

5. My favorite place to  vacation is in the Caribbean.

6. I get so active and focused that I sometimes eat one small meal a day.

7. I like to surf on the oregon coast.

http://tryingtomakelemonade.wordpress.com/ This woman has been a lovely addition to the blogs I follow.  This experience is tough for everyone but she has weathered it with humility and grace.  A midst all the anger and negativity she exists as a beacon of positive thoughts and kind words.  If you are having a tough day swing by her blog and give it a read.  I promise you will leave feeling a little better than you did before.

http://thetornographyblog.wordpress.com/ There are a lot of things about this situation that are tough, but addiction is one thing that I have had the luxury not to experience (in me or my soon to be ex wife).  This woman writes about her struggles with her (ex?) Husbands addiction to pornography and how it has manifested itself into physical affairs.  Sometimes angry, always thought provoking, I have gained much insight into the world of addiction by reading her blog.

Thanks for the support everyone, and thank you for the views and the likes and the comments.  My world would be much less bearable without our community 🙂

Waves

Another week at work begins rather inconspicuously.  The weekend was nice, I bought a new surfboard, a new fridge, and spent some time with a certain special someone.  It is nice to have some distractions, and the surfboard will give me plenty of reason to pick up and go to the coast on my days off.  The ocean is my favorite place, and I don’t see it nearly often enough.  I haven’t had a new surfboard in five years so I was long overdue.  People are always surprised when I tell them I surf in Oregon but the waves are really nice.  Sure the water is cold but that’s what wet suits are for.  Water temp sits at around 50F, enough for me to sweat my butt off in a 3mm wetsuit.  I burn hot, I typically forgo the hood and the gloves.

I wish I had found time to do this when my situation was in the early stages.  I have always been in love with the ocean, and it has always been my happy place.  There are few things that compare to calmness and clarity I get when I am either out there on my board or beneath the waves scuba diving.  Paddling through waves, watching for the perfect swell, dropping in and riding with the wind and the spray…can you imagine a more perfect way to spend the day?  Other than taking a boat out to a reef and spending some time exploring the depths I don’t think there is anything that can compare (at least for me).  If I had made time to do this while I was suffering through my situation I have no doubt that I would have been more calm and collected in several key instances.  I don’t believe it would have changed anything, but I would have been able to stick closer to what I believe is my ideal self.  Live and learn, right?

The past few months have been nothing but a series of waves.  The initial falling out, the moving out, the discovery, the working on it, the divorce.  Each wave has been difficult in its own right, and has tossed me and tumbled me no matter how stable I thought I was at the time.  But each time I have gotten back on and have been surprised to find that I can ride longer and longer and now there isn’t a wave out there that I couldn’t ride in to the shore.  Finding this strength has been the high point in a bleak period of time, and will serve me well for the rest of my life.  I don’t really know how I existed before without this strength, and feel as though I was bumbling through a beautiful and unappreciated life by avoiding anything that made me feel unhappy.  For anyone who has done the same you know that behavior like that will eventually create a hole that is deep enough to bring about the change needed to face forward and deal with the unhappy items with the same mindset as the unhappy items.  It is a painful and humbling lesson to learn (or wave to surf 🙂 ).  But I wouldn’t be able to say that I am any better than the day this started if I hadn’t embraced that and endured the pain initially.  I think that there is something like this in every single persons life and mine just happened to show up as her affairs.

You can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf 🙂

Triggers

Things are moving forward at a good clip.  My room mate is in the process of moving in, the woman I met amazes me at regular intervals, my father is doing “well” for the state of his health.  Life continues on, regardless of the upheaval I have experienced.  Mind you, there are still times where those thoughts sneak in, those angry and poisonous thoughts that seem to pull up images of things that I have never seen.  I don’t think those will go away for a long time.  BUT!!!!!!!!!!!  I would be lying to you if I said that I hadn’t gotten better at dealing with them.  It takes pain to grow and it is comforting to see the positives of that growth.
A few nights ago at work I was working on a small problem with one of our tools.  The customer was around but was letting me work independently (thank goodness) and I was off in my own world.  As I was completing my log update my mind started to wander.  When it drifts it doesn’t usually drift to the man that my wife had a relationship with.  I still think he is a nice guy who made some mistakes and I certainly wish him the best in life.  My mind drifts to the guy she had a one night stand with, and the things that she shared with him.  I don’t think that the time when those thoughts don’t make me angry is anywhere close, however hurtful that anger is for me.  That is something that will take a lot of time for me to get over, and still requires effort on my part to get under control.  My stomach starts to twist into knots and my head starts to get cloudy before I usually know whats happening.  I have a system though, and it’s something that has been working so far.  Whenever this happens I usually have to stop what I am doing and take a small break.  I grab some water, or something to eat and I start to focus on the positives.  Roof over my head, food on the table, the debt I have sucks but it isn’t crippling, a car to drive, a lady to dote on, friends to hang out with, the list goes on.  I come back to the idea that she isn’t my responsibility anymore, nor are the people she has been with.  These thoughts are worse than anything that actually happened, and are the product of my body trying to take each item personally.  I tuck them away, and go back to whatever I was doing, usually with a smile on my face whether it is real or forced.  Thinking positively was something I really struggled with in the beginning.  It wasn’t often I could come up with more than a few items on that list, and they usually involved breathing and eating.  It took so much work to struggle to make that list longer, and I didn’t see the results of that effort for quite a while.

There are other things that trigger me.  I don’t know when the triggers will stop, and I am sure it won’t be for a while.  But there are many of us out there, walking the same path and fighting the same battles.  A fair amount of them are even dealing with it the same way, pushing positive thinking the forefront of everything and tucking away those negative thoughts.  It’s hard to feel down when I know there are so many in the same situation.  People are conquering this left and right, why can’t I be one of them?