Same old song and dance

I’m single again.  This one lasted a year before I said goodbye.  If I’m being honest, I probably should have ended it earlier than that, but I’m thorough.  She was sweet, and quite lovely.  Age, experience, and communication (or a lack thereof) are what ended it.  It’s interesting watching someone go through things for the first time.  People try something, and fail and learn, or succeed and move on.  The failure is so hard to watch.  I have found that although I can be accommodating at first, I quickly get frustrated.  It’s hard for me to avoid judgement in these cases because I’m so far removed from the ‘for the first time’ experience.  I’m in my thirties, and I’ve made a point of pushing myself into new experiences.  Seeing someone who did not have the same pursuit was alien to me.  How can you grow if you choose to stay in and avoid?  Letting people fail is necessary, as it’s the primary driving factor in growing into the person you are supposed to be.  Interrupting that failure can produce dependency, and nobody wants that.  But I need someone who can seek success on their own at a pace that matches my own drive (note, I am not a MEGA driven guy, but I do my best not to stagnate).  And that’s where I got to in this relationship: stagnation.  Early on I was great at communicating.  I’ve sharpened my skills over the years and I have no problem asking for what I need.  I was not prepared for it to be continuously denied to me, however, and I quickly sank back into depression.  It’s interesting to see how all of the skills I learned fell off once I was in a position where my needs weren’t getting fulfilled.  Now I know even more about how ‘Jon’ works.

There isn’t much to say about the relationship.  Grieving has been touch and go, and for the most part I feel ok.  I have more energy than I did, and that’s likely because I’m not doing the emotional work for two people.  It’s left me with more motivation for school, and I’m back to old study habits again.  It’s nice to not feel awful because you aren’t avoiding something anymore.  With the relationship in place I never felt like I had enough energy for anything.  It’s slowly coming back, and as I eat healthier I’m coasting back down to a healthier weight.  It’s been a long time coming.

School is going well.  I’m looking into grad school, and I should have some applications off in the next month or so.  I will be ready to attend in the fall, but I don’t know if I’ll get accepted.  There is a lot of stiff competition in this field, regardless of the experience that I have.  I’m still hopeful, and I plan to put in no less than five grad school apps.  Unfortunately, because America’s school system messed up, it’s going to cost me more than 300$.  Oh well.  The road to make money is long, but I’ll walk it…

It’s been a long year, and there have been a lot of good times.  I’m anxious to see things change for the better.  For now, I’ll enjoy a quieter holiday period, even if it’s not what I’m used to.  Better days are here my friends, time and time again.