Life weighs upon my shoulders. I am in one of my last three terms before I graduate with my BS in Psychology, I’m busy applying to grad schools to keep my momentum moving, and I’m dating to keep myself sane. Not to mention I’m trying to do more things around the house as I get ready to sell and move into Portland or away to grad school. And I’m trying to keep my fitness up and maintain my mental health. I was not prepared for how much effort a lot of this stuff would be. Sometimes it’s almost enough to put me back in depression. How fair is it that staying healthy requires so much work ON TOP of everything else that I have to do to keep my life moving forward? I feel like I complain about it a lot, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. I keep feeling like I’m falling behind because of all this, and no amount of effort will help me get ahead. It’s not a great feeling, why should I feel bad about complaining about it?
This behavior is insidious, as it has an overall lowering effect on my mood. I have to be careful about how much I let myself engage in it because if I’m not careful it will drag me back to my lowest points. Again, this seems unfair, as sometimes I feel like I can’t even complain about what’s going on with me. This snowballs into into me retreating from most of my responsibilities. What an awful cycle.
Despite this, life is going well. I’m in the downhill stretch for school, and I managed to get a 500 level course that will help me apply for grad school. I have lots of friends in my courses and it looks like I’ll have resources to help me study. I’m dating someone that I knew years ago where timing had kept us apart. The grad school submissions, while terrifying, are the next step in a process that has been going on for two years. Everything seems to be working fine, despite the hidden (or not so hidden) struggle.
Dating is the most fun part (obviously). The woman I met I had worked with when I was still a teenager. We lost contact after I left that place of employment for the better part of 13 years. We found each other swiping on Hinge, and have been hanging out for a while. It’s weird because there is a previous history, and while we were both dating other people at the time we both admitted to having a crush on the other person. It’s interesting how much familiarity there is because of a history that started and ended 13 years ago, and it’s a little unnerving to find most of my defenses down. She is particularly supportive and disarming, and I find myself entranced by her. I haven’t felt like this for the better part of a decade, so I’m excited to see where this will go. I’m also a bit anxious since I feel incredibly vulnerable. We’ll see where it goes 🙂
She is embroiled in a legal battle for rights for her daughter (who was born via IUI). If you can, consider taking a look at her page, as she is looking for support covering the legal costs associated with this fight. Thank you if you can support, and thank you for reading if you can’t 🙂 https://www.gofundme.com/f/9f8nm5-tbd?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&fbclid=IwAR2tFPhxRSYSCaJaPUt6-mmfiyEkvg19esWCHMeP6U96EsslYoJzk8rnxFo
I’ll keep fighting the good fight. It’s tough but I don’t want to imagine what life would be like if I chose to give up. Moving forward has always been painful, but from this pain comes growth. There are better days here, and better days ahead 🙂
Jonathan
Life after her Affair 