Am I a good man?

I heard about one of the men I know trying to take his own life recently.  He was a veteran, and according to his close friends he had been doing very well.  This breaks my heart, as I’m a veteran who has struggled with depression before, and I very nearly took my own life when I wanted all the pain to stop.  I worked briefly with this gentleman, and we spoke always in passing.  I was friendly, as I always was, but he was guarded with chip on his shoulder.  I’m not saying I knew something was up, because I didn’t.  I don’t have the magical ability to divine whether or not someone is struggling just by looking at them.  I am saying that I wish I could have spoke with him more, because when I talk to people I share, and when I share I bond.  I would have told him about my depression, and I would have tried to get him to open up about his if I had sensed that he struggled in kind.  Even though I know I had nothing to do with this, and there was nothing I COULD have done, I am still holding this over my head.  I’m about to get into a discipline that sees the worst of people, that walks down dark roads in an effort to bring my clients back into the light.  There is no light at the end of some of those tunnels, and inevitably I will lose someone.  If I’m being honest, I’ll probably lose many people.  I don’t know what it’s like for good psychologists, but dealing with people as vulnerable as this can lead you, the therapist, to as dark a place as your clients are.

How will I stay in the light?

How will I manage my own emotions when I lose someone I have pledged to help?

How much of myself will I question if I feel like I can’t save them all?

Inertia

How long would you stay in a bad relationship?  It’s an innocuous question, because I think the answer is “NONE, NONE TIME AT ALL” for anyone who reads it.  Few people can imagine themselves sticking around past the point of not getting what they deserve, and even fewer embrace the idea of settling.  But, while the question seems innocuous, the reality is often far more insidious.  I won’t get too far into the science; that’s not what this blog is about.  This is my emotional outlet, and I’m not here to tie you down with numbers.  I’m here to talk about my own anecdotal experiences (so don’t apply them generally) and hope that something about them helps you relate this post to your own life.

It’s often been that I have settled.  I didn’t know it at the time; I was too tied up in the word compromise to understand that I had bastardized the term into something that meant I sacrificed to keep a relationship copacetic.  But, if I’m being completely honest, I was settling.  My first wife was a nice person, but she was not good at relationship communication.  This often led to her saying things that were pointed, and cruel.  I know that this was not her intent, and I know that I lacked the tools to call this behavior into question and turn it into positive growth.  Instead of choosing to end it, LIKE I SHOULD HAVE, I incorrectly weighed my ‘time served’ and decided that this was what things were supposed to be like anyway.  Surely this was better than being alone?  The answer to that is an emphatic no, and I’m sure my readership will smile at this point.  The blog has covered this point several times; don’t settle.  Time served means nothing if it takes care of NONE of your major emotional needs, and there is nothing that additional time served can fix.  Holding onto the ideal that you can morph your partner into someone who can fill these needs, or that you can somehow live without them is the first step towards self destruction.  There is no light at the end of that tunnel until you make the choice to be honest with yourself about what you really want and need.

The second marriage was similar for me.  I was chasing after a ‘Nuclear Family’ ideal that I had seen make my father happy.  Do you know what should have been my first clue that the relationship would not work?  In truth, there were many red flags, but most heinous of all of them was this: when I seriously considered whether or not the relationship was meant to last I decided that I should stay because I could not afford to live in my house without her.  We had made too many financial decisions together, and I was, in essence, ‘stuck’ with her (or so I thought).  I let the inertia of these decisions carry a relationship faaaaaaar past the point of healthy and into self-destructive territory.  As many of you have read in this blog, there were many catastrophic things that happened during my second marriage (emotional and physical abuse, infidelity, controlling behavior, fights).  How did I choose to respond to this?  Lying, cheating, spending money, and generally very risky behavior.  Forcing myself to stay in this situation because of money/time investments set me up to be the worst version of myself.  My low point sucked, for lack of a better word, and is a constant reminder that I have been the person that I hated just as often as my SO has.  My only solace is that I’ve grown as a person, and I have made muuuuch better decisions since I did those things, from maintaining fidelity in my relationships, improving communication, and ending the ones that I knew would never be what I needed them to be.  It’s been a long road, but I finally feel like I’m an ‘expert’ in dating.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, which is stupid because it would be so much easier if foresight was 20/20 (or 20/15, or 20/10).  I suppose that would remove our ability to grow and learn, but is the pain really worth it?  The answer seems to be an emphatic yes, as the men and women I have talked to have indicated that the summation of the experience of making the wrong decision, dealing with the consequences, and subsequently creating mechanisms in place to avoid that outcome in the future is far more valuable than avoiding it entirely.  But….when you’re in the thick of it….I’d have to say it still feels like hell.  At the very least I haven’t put myself in a situation where I would have to ‘relearn’ the lessons that I have learned.  That’s a lot better than “Whoops made the same mistake again”, and it turns out it’s a whole lot less painful too.

There is never a point of no return.  No matter how much time you have invested it’s still OK to pack up and go, especially if you know that the relationship can’t fulfill your needs.  Don’t let the idea that you’ve put too much time in keep you somewhere you don’t need to be, especially if you exhausted all efforts to address the root cause and turn things around.  That’s not to say that you should duck out as soon as things get rough, but the difference between rough patches and a relationship that will never be fulfilling is usually (USUALLY) very clear.

You’re worth more than that.

There are better days ahead.

Chains

Dating is a weird concept after abuse.  This probably wouldn’t be a new revelation if I hadn’t moved right into a relationship after my second divorce (which eventually led to another abusive relationship).  But here it is, years after my second divorce, and only now am I seeing this.  Dating is difficult for the divorced.  It’s incredibly common, as any divorce rate statistic will tell you, and breaching that subject with the uninitiated is rocky at best.  People are often quick to point out where they think things failed, or what they would have done differently.  When abuse is involved people are a little more quiet.  The mere mention of abuse can shut down even the most talkative of “what I would have done”ers and make a whole room go silent.  When you are dating, mentioning abuse can be a red flag to anyone who knows what kind of baggage trails along with it.  This is the case whether you were the abuser or the abused.  It’s no secret that I have been in both roles (or if it was, surprise!).  I have been called names, slapped, punched, instulted, and many other things in my relationships.  But I have also screamed, slapped, broken things, called names, said hurtful things, and participated in the problem when I should have been part of a solution.  I’ve never been the instigator, I never took physical action except when I was afraid there was no other way to deescalate.  That’s the problem though, there is always another way.  If there is one thing that people have in common with their thoughts on abuse it’s that they always believe there was always another way.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; we know there was another way.  We lived it, we have hindsight too, looking back and being able to access all the data in a calm and safe environment is different from being there in the moment.  All of us, as people who were involved in some way with abuse, have gone over this incidents ad nauseum.  We have played out every scenario multiple times, and we have begged the universe to be able to go back and make another choice.  We are all denied.  This is why dating is so weird for us.  We are chained to a past that bears repeating to each new partner.  We become even better experts in rejection due to the stigma attached to it.   Do you know how scary it is to tell someone that you have been abused?  Or that you have abused in the past?  For me, my abuse lasted years.  My period of being the abuser lasted four months and had three physical incidents.  Am I to be judged for such a brief period of time?  I do not seek to diminish the weight of what I have done, and I accept full responsibility for my part in what happened.  I suppose it’s just the rewards of improper boundary setting and a low self worth.  I am worth so much more than treating someone like that, and yet, for a brief period, I did.

These chains are oppressive.  I can feel them with each new partner, and I dread the moment I have to tell them these things.  I just received a text from someone telling me they weren’t comfortable dating me after hearing about my past.  I don’t blame her; I would never blame anyone for that.  It just hurts, and it’s one of those things that will hurt for the rest of my life.

Onward and upward.  For each person I meet that is understanding and accepting there are many who aren’t.  It’s ok to lament a little about the people who aren’t, but I don’t want to dwell on it.  Time will make these things easier to deal with, and I know that if I spend that time putting love into the world it will find it’s way back to me.  Good luck, my friends, and may you all find people who accept your past.

Root Causes

It’s difficult to stay mindful of the present for me.  I addressed this in a previous post, but I want to make sure I reiterate that point.  My mind is a train that almost never feels like it’s going less than full speed ahead.  It leads to a lot of sleepless nights, filled with pointless thoughts about things that didn’t, or won’t ever happen.  I think that a lot of us deal with something like that from time to time, but it’s exhausting feeling like it has controlled you your whole life.  I have ADHD, but I also struggle with depression and anxiety.  The depression and the anxiety come and go, but the ADHD is constant.  ADHD has it’s positives and negatives, but it has been very difficult living with and adapting to it, especially since the research surrounding it is ongoing and new conclusions are found every year.  I’ve tried a lot of things, but the only thing that has worked has been medication.  It’s weird to accept that you will have to be on medication for something for the rest of your life, but at this point I have made peace with it.  It’s a small price to pay for feeling like a sane, complete, and functioning adult.

The depression and the anxiety are a little different.  Too many times I have found myself in a state where the only thing that permeates my thoughts is negative self talk.  If I don’t know what I deserve how can I ever be good enough for it?  As my mind is a talented liar I am exceptionally good at convincing myself of my deflated self worth.  Too often I get stuck in a hole that I cannot climb out of.  Add to that the anxiety from my perception of failure and it isn’t long before I turn to a relationship to validate myself.  If someone else thinks I am good enough than I must be good enough!  Red flags are ignored, gut feelings are ignored, and the mind lies to itself by saying this is what we deserve.  I am not going to be part of this cycle any longer.  That is the root cause, and I am going to address it.

I have been in therapy many times over the years, for many different things.  I’m going back to address these issues so that I might develop healthier relationships.  I know that I can’t blame other people for the situations I stay in, and I want take steps towards forgiving myself for the failures that my head just won’t let go of.  I just want to be in a good place when I find the relationship I deserve.  Even though I have been making progress towards this on my own I still want to make sure that I remain on a healthy path.  Always be on the look out for those better days people!

Pain

We all experience pain.  Some of us are much better at dealing with it than others, able to use the pain to drive progress in other areas of their lives.  This is a skill I have not mastered yet, at least when it comes to emotional pain.  Emotional pain tends to stop me, make me lazy and listless, and make me silent for long periods of time while I handle the turmoil on the inside.  I have never been happy about this, but it has been constant regardless of the circumstance of said pain.  I often use this time to reflect on the reasons for this pain, and what I can do in the future to avoid it.  We can never live a pain free life but we can lesson it’s effects on us with planning and practice.  Take my current pain for example, the pain of losing someone I loved.  I am no stranger to this pain, and have felt it before in varying degrees.  I know that this is a type of pain that is largely unavoidable, regardless of how each of us chooses to live our lives.  Loss is a very real and very intimate part of life that everyone must see and deal with.  The fact of the matter is that this is some of the most difficult type of pain to deal with because of its finality.  Whether it is a death, or a breakup, or a falling out, loss cuts structural emotional ties that many of us come to rely on.  That’s part of what makes this pain so….uh….painful (darn).  In my opinion, it’s also what makes dealing with this pain so gratifying.  In my specific instance I displayed character that pushed someone away.  That person is no longer in my life, despite a very real desire for the opposite.  Though the pain may be great, and the ties that I am cutting be special, intimate, and unique, I know that I will never again exist as that person.  Pain has always been my greatest teacher, an ally in establishing my humanity.  It has also been on the heels of every precious thing that I have lost.  My mother remarked that she and my father had always thought it was weird that I had to learn lessons twice.  Some of the hardest things I have gone through in my life have been done in twos.  Unfortunately, this marks the second time I have dealt with loss in this method, so if history has anything to say about it it’s that it will stick this time.  I find it a little naive of myself to think that I wouldn’t have to deal with these types of pain after my last divorce, or that I wouldn’t struggle in the same way.  I guess it’s all part of the learning process, and the realization that we are human after all 🙂

Better days ahead everyone, no matter what you are going through.  I wish each and every one of you wonderful and enjoyable holidays!  On a final note, my company once again gave me an amazon gift card for christmas. I would like to extend the offer to anyone who needed some help this christmas season that I might purchase something for them that would make the holidays a bit easier.  Just leave a comment or send me an email at jlgedeon@gmail.com and I will get back to you as promptly as I can.