Triggers

Things are moving forward at a good clip.  My room mate is in the process of moving in, the woman I met amazes me at regular intervals, my father is doing “well” for the state of his health.  Life continues on, regardless of the upheaval I have experienced.  Mind you, there are still times where those thoughts sneak in, those angry and poisonous thoughts that seem to pull up images of things that I have never seen.  I don’t think those will go away for a long time.  BUT!!!!!!!!!!!  I would be lying to you if I said that I hadn’t gotten better at dealing with them.  It takes pain to grow and it is comforting to see the positives of that growth.
A few nights ago at work I was working on a small problem with one of our tools.  The customer was around but was letting me work independently (thank goodness) and I was off in my own world.  As I was completing my log update my mind started to wander.  When it drifts it doesn’t usually drift to the man that my wife had a relationship with.  I still think he is a nice guy who made some mistakes and I certainly wish him the best in life.  My mind drifts to the guy she had a one night stand with, and the things that she shared with him.  I don’t think that the time when those thoughts don’t make me angry is anywhere close, however hurtful that anger is for me.  That is something that will take a lot of time for me to get over, and still requires effort on my part to get under control.  My stomach starts to twist into knots and my head starts to get cloudy before I usually know whats happening.  I have a system though, and it’s something that has been working so far.  Whenever this happens I usually have to stop what I am doing and take a small break.  I grab some water, or something to eat and I start to focus on the positives.  Roof over my head, food on the table, the debt I have sucks but it isn’t crippling, a car to drive, a lady to dote on, friends to hang out with, the list goes on.  I come back to the idea that she isn’t my responsibility anymore, nor are the people she has been with.  These thoughts are worse than anything that actually happened, and are the product of my body trying to take each item personally.  I tuck them away, and go back to whatever I was doing, usually with a smile on my face whether it is real or forced.  Thinking positively was something I really struggled with in the beginning.  It wasn’t often I could come up with more than a few items on that list, and they usually involved breathing and eating.  It took so much work to struggle to make that list longer, and I didn’t see the results of that effort for quite a while.

There are other things that trigger me.  I don’t know when the triggers will stop, and I am sure it won’t be for a while.  But there are many of us out there, walking the same path and fighting the same battles.  A fair amount of them are even dealing with it the same way, pushing positive thinking the forefront of everything and tucking away those negative thoughts.  It’s hard to feel down when I know there are so many in the same situation.  People are conquering this left and right, why can’t I be one of them?